Crookshanks, A Love Affair
by RikuRawr
Summary: The Rocky Romance of Voldemort and Crookshanks. Rated T, has some weird stuff and bad language. Crack-Fic. Words are undescribable how weird this is. But nevertheless, Its randomly funny. Enjoy :3
1. Chapter 1

**AN: This is a crack-fic. Honestly, don't take any of this seriously, and I'm not exactly stupid… Kind of. And this is my first… so be gentle. If you want.**

**CHAPTER 1**

Voldemort paced his new office. The gothic decorations blended greatly with his personality. He ran and slid across the mahogany floor, skidding his feet to the end. His newly fitted sequined robe that Professor Umbridge fashioned swished, leaving glitter all over the floor. Voldemort had a very weird obsessive attraction to glitter, unicorns, rainbows, and death. He began to feel his personality change, just when he took over Hogwarts. He completely demolished Hogwarts, only to remake it exactly the same, but in pink. This all happened when Voldemort saw Hermione's cat, Crookshanks, watching Glee on his mac. Though Voldemort had a strong hatred to apple software, he has a strong love for Crookshanks. Crookshanks loves Glee, sun bathing and sparkly stuff. Thus, giving him is lovely new and spiffy personality. Voldemort gave all the dorms attractive rainbowed colour Plasma screen 3d smart televisions. Maybe potentially ruining the school and school kids was really a good thing after all. Voldemort opened his door to this hot, attractive and rather sexy cat. His face lit up with joy.

"CROOKSHANKS! MY CUTE LITTLE SHNOOCKUMS COMING TO SEE VOLDY-POO? AWW ARENT YOU JUST A DARLING."

Voldemort lays out his antique tea set, and seated several dollies around the cute little purple playmobile table. Unfortunately, Voldemort has no tea, so he settled for coffee.

"Oh Sweetie-Pie, I hope you can hold you can hold your caffeine." Voldemort says, followed by a quiet, but noticeable girly giggle.

As Crookshanks received the coffee, his mind wasn't set on this horrid muggle drink. So instead, he got up and decided to casually ruin Voldemort's office, as well as the antique tea set and gothic decorations…. By accident. He pounced back into his seat, and drank the coffee, finding the taste surprisingly nice.

"CROOKSHANKS, WHY? WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO VOLDY-POO'S OFFICE? IT WAS MY LIFE, THE ONLY THING WORTH LIVING FOR. JUST LEAVE."

He sobbed and cried until he was dehydrated and jumped out of his office window, looking for a source of fresh water. But all he could find was stone, which had potentially made him crippled, as he looked like he was mashed together, and served with rare steak. Madam Pomfrey quickly came to Voldemorts aid, and preformed a quick diagnoses.

"Hmmmmm." Madam Pomfrey thought.

"It seems like you jumped out of a window and splatted on the ground, after being dehydrated when crying over a broken tea set and a ruined office." Said Madam Pomfrey, wrinkling her brow and stroking her chin for a correct way to handle this horrible situation.

"Oh, I am sure you will be fine. I barely think this is more important than finding a match on eHarmony."

She skipped joyously away into the distance.

"BRAD, I'M COMING FOR YOU, SWEETPEA!"

What will become of a severely injured Voldemort?

What happened to Crookshanks?

Will Hagrid find an appropriate size toilet?

All to find out in the next chapter.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: WELCOME BACK. Well, Welcome back to all you people that actually read the previous chapter. This is the 2****nd**** instalment of this crack-fic. They will be longer, and maybe written better, if possible. So enjoy.**

**CHAPTER 2**

Lifeless.

Bald.

Has no soul.

Just a few things that describe Voldemort, in his current, mauled state. Thinking of his past, and what he did to hurt people around him, he imagined a tall cliff, and jumped off, in his mind. What he had done, was truly terrible. The only one he thought could help him fix what he done wrong,… was Crookshanks. It always comes back to Crookshanks. He knew he had to forgive him for what he had done. He knew he was close to his death. He could feel everything slowly sap out of his skin.

_Oh, there goes my kidney. _

He pondered and pondered, thinking of something that could get him out of his situation. He still had a whole good 80 years of life to spend with his one and only lover. Crookshanks. Just saying that word made Voldemort shiver. He shed a tear, as his whole mind blown into a full flowery, rainbow, My Little Pony tribute to all the memories that Voldemort and Crookshanks shared. Like that time when Voldemort gazed upon this beautiful cat, while it was watching an episode of glee. And that other time where it appeared at the office door, pampered, and ready for a cute little tea party.

_Oh, that time where he casually pranced around in magnificent grace, destroying my office, was simply a side splitter. _

And that's really all they ever shared.

Suddenly, Voldemort heard the cutest of meows, and witnessed the most gnarly and manly thing to ever happen on the face of the earth. There flew Crookshanks, with a magenta cape, escaping from Voldemorts office. Voldemort watched in awe, at the coat and grace of this sexy cat. The gingerness, was so overwhelming. As he landed, a huge hoard of fangirls ran with high-pitched screaming voices that would pierce your eardrum. Somewhere in the midst was Colin Creevey, Taking pictures of Crookshanks at his prime.

"FABULOUS DARLING. OOO, AMAZING. GIMME MORE OF THAT… YES! NOW, GIVE ME THE OVER SHOULDER, LIP SMOULDER POSE. BEA-U-TI-FUL. ALRIGHT DARLING, BE EXPECTING A FRONT PAGE PICTURE ON NEXT MONTHS ISSUE OF THE HOTTEST CATS OF HOGWARTS."

It was a sad death to all but Creevey, As Hagrid ran into the scene bursting with happiness. He held in his hands, a giant fitted size toilet. Voldemort and Crookshanks weren't surprised at this dramatization over a toilet, as Hagrid was a diva.

"MMMMM GURL, YOU GAT SUM SERIOUS CRAP ON YO BACK. LITERALLY."

Voldemort had no feeling in his back, but there balanced the spiffy new toilet that Hagrid had obtained. Crookshanks leaped onto Voldemort and relieved him of his agony. He gave Voldemort some paracetamol, which quickly boosted Voldemort who jumped straight out of his position and thanks Crookshanks.

" OH MY DARLING LITTLE HUNNY BUN. THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME. YOU ARE A HERO."

Before Voldemort could say anymore, Crookshanks gave Voldemort some tampons, as it was clear that it was his time of the month. Though everyone stood there very disturbed and rather awkwardly, there was a blissful feel that was shared between everyone that moment. Together hand in hand, Voldemort, Crookshanks and Hagrid set off into the darkness of the night.

Voldemort invited them to help renovate his office, after being destroyed. Painting the walls the colours of the rainbow, caused some debate on what colour goes where, but all was fine in the end. Voldemort had a very selfish thought, and decided to act on it. Both Voldemort and Crookshanks left Hagrid to do all the work, as they had a romantic fish dinner in the private quarters. Hagrid felt his baby bump. His expression on his face was merely wretched.

_I can't raise this baby on my own. I need the father to help me._

Voldemort declined into the kitchen to get the desert course of their meal. Crookshanks sat in his chair, and looked like royalty.

"MY FAIR PRINCE, WHAT WOULD ONE SEXY BEAST LIKE FOR DESERT? I WILL MAKE MILKSHAKES. MINUS THE BOYS IN THE YARD, BECAUSE YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE FOR ME, SHNOOKUMS!"

Crookshanks just sat there, Almost emotionless.

BANG!

A figure had crashed on the window, glaring into Crookshanks' soul. Crookshanks responded the same way.

"I NEED YOU CROOKSHANKS. I NEED YOU TO FATHER YOUR OWN BABY!"

What will Voldemort do when he hears about this?

What will happen in this twist?

Does Snape text Umbridge back?

FIND OUT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: I am pretty sure that this chapter will be more…, understandable? Maybe not. Anyway, here it is.**

**CHAPTER 3**

"Hagrid, Its cold out there, why don't you come in? WE HAVE TEA. HAVE SOME TEA. DRINK THE TEA. DO YOU LIKE TEA?" Voldemort said, rather energetically.

"GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRL. Tea is for posh people. GIMME YO COFFEE. Down To Business now." Hagrid takes Voldemorts seat, just after locking Voldemort in the kitchen. "Crookshanks, I don't want to use force, but if you don't come and live with me in my hut, YOU WILL FREAKIN REGRET IT YOU STUPID ASS GINGER PUSSY. *Ahem* So, It would be kind to gather up yo belongings, and head home to my hut."

Crookshanks just sat there, Staring into Hagrid's eyes. Crookshanks thought to himself, "_Meow." _And therefore, figured out his decision. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Voldemort is cooking up Hagrid some tea, instead of coffee. He looked in the mug that he was stirring. He stirred, and stirred, and stirred. And then SUDDENLY!, He stirred again. He was thinking about why Hagrid was interrupting their dinner date. The worst popped up in his mind. _What if Hagrid is giving him super strong vanilla flavoured condoms? I am not ready for that level of intimacy. _So he stirred, and stirred, and stirred.

"CROOKSHANKS LOVE, WILL YOU SEE ME IN THE KITCHEN PLEASE DEAR?"

Crookshanks made his way to the kitchen and unlocked the door. He leapt onto the counter and drank Hagrid's tea, followed by the diamond jubilee cake that was in the fridge. Then Crookshanks finally settled down to listen.

"Right, Crookshanks. I really wanted to let you know, that I am allergic to super strength strawberry flavoured condoms. I'm sorry to have to tell you this. I am getting my wedding planner to arrange an appropriate ceremony. I know this is a hard time for you, but we can get through this, together."

Crookshanks gets outraged, and picks up the hot pan on the stove. Voldemort never saw this coming, but a flying pan hit him in the face.

"CROOKSHANKS, DID YOU SEE THAT? A FLYING PAN HIT MY FACE. HOW DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN? QUICK CROOKY-POO, HIS KITCHEN IS SET OUT TO KILL US."

Hagrid was rather curious, and asks what happened. Just to come to the conclusion that a flying pan hit Voldemort in the face.

"BABE, DAT GATTA HOORT. IMA TAKE YOU TO MADAM POMFREYS CLINIC."

Hagrid helps Voldemort to the infirmary, where Madam Pomfrey doesn't bother to greet them, as she is engrossed in her computer. Elsewhere, Crookshanks bit Ron's toe, because he was feeling hormonal. But back at the infirmary, they were all engrossed into Madam Pomfrey's computer.

"See here, I have hacked into Snapes Facebook account. Here, look at this. Messages from Umbridge. This is going to be funny."

Severus Snape: UMBRIDGE, STOP TEXTING ME.

Professor Umbridge: Did you get my text?

Severus Snape: YES!

Professor Umbridge: Well you didn't text me back.

"….. WELL. THAT WAS INTERESTING. LET ME CHECK MY eHarmony."

Everyone peers over her shoulder, looking at her password which is, "PUMPKIN JOOSE 4 LYF", which turns out to make everyone chuckle, even Madam Pomfrey. She checks her potential matches while Hagrid breathes in Voldemorts face. Crookshanks shortly joins them in the infirmary and catches them staring at each other.

"Crookshanks made me pregnant. I want you to be the father Voldemort."

Hagrid picks up Voldemort and hides him in his beard, where he is not seen. He runs off with him to Hagrid's hut.

"Crookshanks, I have some bad news." Madam Pomfrey exclaims. "Well, you know how Mrs. Norris disappeared right? Well. I actually run her over." She bashes her head on the computer screen, demolishing it, while she lays there unconscious. Crookshanks runs off and jumps in a river, as he was severely overwhelmed.

Snape breaks open the hut, destroying Hagrid in his path. Hagrid said one last thing before departing this life. "….."

Snape held Hagrid in his arms, and hugged him. He cried his eyes out, and rocked back and forth, holding Hagrid's fat. He lifts the fat to the sky, and shouts.

"WHYYYY GOD WHYYY!"

WHAT WILL HAPPEN IN YET, ANOTHER TWIST?

IS CROOKSHANKS BALD?

WHY IS SNAPE SO SAD ABOUT HAGRIDS DEATH?

IS UMBRIDGE JEALOUS?

ALL IN GREAT TIME, YOUNG ONE.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: This is going to be rather whacky, and crazy, but most of all, stupid. Which is the whole meaning of it. I am introducing Luna into it who will be a frequent character. It is still a Voldeshanks fic, so even if you don't hear from Crookshanks, there is nothing to worry about. Enjoy :3 **

**CHAPTER 4**

Hagrid lay there. Snape waited for about, half an hour, just to see if he would move. Voldemort was still assessing the situation, which takes him a matter of hours because Snape's sobbing was super distracting and he would always lose his train of thought. He finally gave up on thinking, and took out a harmonica which he played and played, until Snape jumped back in surprise, ripping out some of Hagrid's fat. Voldemort looked at Snape. His misshapen nose was lifted, and his pupils dilated. He trembled on the spot, and in the heat of the moment, opened up his robe. Big, long, and chewy. Voldemort loved that kind of chewing gum, which Snape tried to sell him. He turned back to look at Hagrid in awe. Voldemorts eyes trailed to Hagrid's body until-

"IM IN LABOUR! SHIT, IM IN LABOUR!"

Hagrid dangles of the wooden beam on the ceiling, as if he was hanging like a bat.

"GET THIS HORRIBLE THING OUT OF ME! I AINT TAKING CARE OF NO BABY!"

Hagrid pushes and pushes, until the baby SPRUNG out and activated his parachute. Snape ran and punched the baby as it fell to the ground.

"Ugly he looks, it seems." Said Snape doing an impression of Master Yoda.

"LOL JK, HE LOOKS LOVELY. ESPECIALLY WITH ALL THE DISCHARGE."

He picked up the baby, and flung it on Voldemort's face.

"LOL VOLDEMORT, YOU HAVE BABY GERMS!" Shouted Snape.

"EW, I DON'T WANT BABY GERMS!" Exclaimed Voldemort, as he contributes to the game, by throwing the baby to Hagrid, who seems to have died again.

"HAGRID, YOU CANT EVEN CATCH THE BABY! YOU ARE SO STUPID!" Snape shouted.

Crookshanks pranced into the room. No, he was not bald. Just 7ft.

"CROOKSHANKS, YOU ARE MY KNIGHT IN SHINING-"

Crookshanks eats Hagrid, and simply leaves crying.

Voldemort is confused, but he wanted to play the germ game. So he stood there and tossed the baby back and forth until Filius Flitwick burst into the room, turned Snape around, and snogged him. Voldemort stood there with one eyebrow raised. He tries standing there until they stop, which turned out to be a bad idea, so he ended up leaving after 5 hours. Voldemort is on his search for Crookshanks. To his surprise, Hagrid passes him in the main hall, and attempts to speak to Voldemort.

"HALLO HARRY! WE ARE GONNA DIG UP DUMBLEDORE, AND COOK MADAM POMFREY INTO STEW. ALRIGHT?"

Hagrid runs away crying while looking at pictures of George Clooney on his iPhone. What struck Voldemort the most, was the iPhone, as he hates apple products. Voldemort checks under Cho Chang's skirt, just in case Crookshanks is under there. After Cho Chang giggles, he makes an alliance to find Crookshanks.

"VOLDEMORT… CHECK! ALISTOR MOODY… CHECK! REMUS LUPIN… CHECK! EFFIE TRINKET… NOPE, SHE BEING BUSY IN THE HUNGER GAMES BOOK. GILDEROY LOCKHART… CHECK!"

They soon all went out in different paths to find the most beloved cat, Crookshanks. It wasn't long until Gilderoy, Moody and Lupin all die because Luna was hungry. Instead, Luna catches up with Voldemort to join the hunt, after satisfying her hunger on their dead carcasses. Luna encounters a tree, so she took out her Magikarp. It used a move called 'Dragon Rage', and destroyed the tree. They begin what would be a Journey of a lifetime. Or maybe a week. Meanwhile, where Crookshanks is:-

Crookshanks got wifi where he was, so he watched anime. Deciding it was boring, he threw his mac at an oil rig. He took a temper tantrum, and sung Bulletproof by La Roux. He destroys some things around him, like a shed, a random toe and a McDonald's restaurant. The guy who runs it banned Crookshanks from Happy Meals for 2 months, which made him even angrier. He acted on his thoughts, and watched My Little Pony. Sneaking behind him, Ginny Weasley grabbed him, and put him in a meat mincer.

Voldemort and Luna were engrossed in conversation.

"I love my braid, it matches my personality and my hair colour." Voldemort said, in a snobby tone.

"Ikr? I have noticed something different about your hair. Its more flowed and more luscious. What shampoo do you use?"

"Pantene Pro V"

"OH EM JEE. ME TOO! HI-FIVE BBY GURL!"

Further along their travels, they soon meet the Forbidden Forest. There is a sign saying, "DO NOT DISTURB!" They knew what it meant almost instantly when they found Draco Malfoy doing rather 'horrible' things to Dobby. Voldemort throws a brick at Dobby, and thanks Draco for the good work. Draco passes Voldemort, and while Draco acknowledges him, Voldemort punches him in the face.

"Thank you my lord." Draco said in a happy tone.

After that distraction, Luna trips over a magic mushroom.

"Woooooow. Magic."

She picks it up, and throws it like a shot-put, and projects it 15 miles where it hits a snake with a sombrero. They proceed down a trail, and stops at an entrance of a cave. They looked at each other and nodded. They had to go in. As Voldemort took one step into it, Snape suddenly appeared from nowhere.

"HAVE YOU SEEN MY DIARY?"

"Nope."

"LIAR! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

WHY IS SNAPE BLOCKING THE WAY?

DOES GINNY HAVE A KITTY FETISH?

DOES THE MIRROR OF ERISED HAVE FEELINGS?

Patience is a virtue, young one.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: This is pretty early for me to do an update, but I guess I am in the typing mood today. :3 I don't actually believe I have time for this, as I am mega busy for this and next week. Anyway, enjoy. :D oh, and this is not the best chapter. Stressed.**

**Chapter 5**

Crookshanks lay on the shelf at Tesco. Thanks to Ginny, he is stuck in a packet of mince. Even though he was meat, he still had feelings. He was determined. Determined to get out of Tesco. It may have been weird to look at a packet of mince run off out the automatic doors, but it did happen. He thought he was free. He destroyed most cars in the car park, except from the purple Hippie van. That was too awesome to destroy. He sniffed the car. It smelt like rainbows, and sunshine vomit. Two of his most favourite smells. Then suddenly, Ginny kidnapped him, and shoved him in her boy tit bra. Crookshanks was scared, and bored. She had been running for 10 hours. Yet, she was capable of dressing and undressing her Barbie dolls. Crookshanks was jealous, so he clawed at Barbie, who slapped him right in the face. Barbie was a mass murderer.

Meanwhile, Snape was STILL blocking the way of the entrance to the cave. He demanded shoes, dresses, more shoes, and children. Snape craved children on Mondays.

"GIVE ME MY CHILD VOLDEMORT. I AM HUNGRY."

"GET IT YOURSELF."

"YOU KNOW WHAT VOLDEMORT? WE WILL NEVER PLAY THE GERM GAME AGAIN. THIS FRIENDSHIP IS OVER… FOR ABOUT A DAY."

"SNAPE, DON'T LEAVE ME, YOU WHERE MY EVERYTHING!"

Luna was just as socially awkward. Snape turned round to see Luna sniffing his bum. She slowly prodded one cheek, and took out a notepad and a pen. _**Snape has such a flat ass.**_ Snape ran away, in disgust, but was laughing. Everyone knew Snape didn't know how to show his emotions correctly. They finally entered the cave, but after 5 steps in, the Mirror of Erised appeared.

"I CAN DREAM, VOLDEMORT!"

Randomly, it vanished. So they both went on in their travels. The cave was only about, 10 footsteps long. On the other side, they encountered a little girl. She looked only 7, and was cute.

"Pssssst. Luna. Look at this." Voldemort whispered.

"Hello little girl! I have something nice for you!"

He picked up a handful of grass.

"You eat this, it is very good for you!"

The little girl ate it.

"Very good! Is it yum? Of course it is!"

He takes his scissors, and cuts a few locks from his long and wavy hair.

"MMMM. EAT THIS TOO."

Voldemort was feeding this child everything.

"Oh! Look at that shoe! IF I KNEW YOU WERE COMING, I'D OF BAKED A CAKE!"

The little girl is not so little anymore. Angered, she rips of Voldemorts penis.

"LOL, I WAS GOING TO GET IT REMOVED ANYWAY."

He laughs and covers his empty crotch, and falls to the ground crying of laughter. Luna crouches down to lick the blood all over the ground.

Crookshanks was so scared. Barbie was a devil.

"HI CROOKSHANKS! I AM BARBIE! :D"

".."

"HI CROOKSHANKS! I AM BARBIE! :D"

"..?"

"HI CROOKSHANKS! I AM BARBIE! :D"

Barbie's head started to twist. It would turn faster, and faster, and faster until it was turning 360 degrees at 70 MPH.

"HI CROOKSHANKS! I AM BARBIE! :D"

"…Meow?"

"DIE!"

Barbie took off her head, and dismembered her leg. She switched them around. Then before you could notice anything, Barbie was kicking Crookshanks with her head. Barbie's eyes glared at Crookshanks. He was slightly creeped out as Barbie was staring at him through her foot.

"MUMMY! WHERE FORTH OUT THY MUMMY?" Voldemort gasped.

He woke up, as the anaesthetic slowly died.

"Thanks Luna."

"That will cost £50."

"I THOUGHT MY NOSE JOB WAS FOR FREE!"

"….." There was silence. "….FAIRIES!"

Hand in hand, and song in song, they skipped to the valley of the death. They were excited to see all the dead kittens. They gazed upon the marvel. The atmosphere changed colour. It was now yellow. The environment was run by dancing llamas, and robot forks. The dazzling scene was imprinted into their minds. Luna rips of her toe, and chews it. She runs and uses the robot forks to stab dandelions. Voldemort couldn't afford to lose at toe to join the ritual, so he chopped off his foot instead. They both chanted some lion language.

"MOO MOO MOO MOMOOO!" They together sung in unison.

The moon rose up, and it was angry. You could see Dumbledore posing for the 'Nuts' magazine. They both looked up, and cheered at Dumbledore, as he was looking for that sexy sultry hidden deep within his liver. Dumbledore suddenly jumped of the moon, and head-butted Draco Malfoy.

"Thank you, your holiness." Draco said, rather happy with himself.

Dumbledore went into full blown rage, and ripped off his boobs, and banged his chest like King Kong.

WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?

WILL NUTS FIRE DUMBLEDORE AS A MODEL?

WILL PANSY EVER GET TO STITCH DRACO'S WIG?

Well, I AM NOT TELLING. UNTIL THE NEXT CHAPTER.

**AN: Wow, I don't even know what I wrote, but just wrote it anyway. If that makes sense. This is by far the worst chapter, but who cares. :3**


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Extremely hyper right now. Who knows what will be in this, because I sure don't :P Something to do with Cats, probably. And a comeback appearance from an eaten character. :3**

**Chapter 6**

"Dumbledore, please calm down. I am the Deli Llama. My words of wisdom heal broken spirits. I can mend your mind in a leap of disco dance. My afro can restore the most brutal injury. I am, The Deli Llama."

The Deli Llama entered the valley. Rows were formed to bow down to his sacredness. On his back, rode Remus Lupin. In awe, Voldemort and Luna both bowed in honour. Dumbledore was amazed at this, and froze. _**That llama… why is it so sexy?**_Dumbledore felt anxiety, as he was paralysed.

"OH THOU HONOUREST DELI LLA-"

"Dumbledore, just shut the fuck up." The Deli Llama butted in.

"That really inspired me. Thank you." Dumbledore started crying out of bliss.

"Obviously not enough, as you are still speaking. GOD DUMBLEDORE, JUST GO. LEAVE. LEAVE AND NEVER COME BACK!"

Dumbledore ran away, eating the insides of the boobs he ripped off.

"AND YOU ARE FIRED FROM NUTS!"

Ginny finally arrived at the destination she had been running for all this time. Crookshanks took great shock when he arrived at the Gingerbread Box Association. Even Barbie was confused. Barbie was arranged back to normal now, with her head and leg both in the correct places. Barbie and Crookshanks became friends. The countless crampt tea parties Ginny would force them to have in her bra, gave them chances to socialise. Crookshanks called Barbie. Her body stayed in the same position, but her head turned slowly around at 180 degrees. Barbie had the most devilish smile on her face. Unfortunately, that wasn't the thing that popped out the most. Barbie was ginger.

"I thought that my hair would match the whole theme of this place :D" Barbie spouted.

Barbie leaped from Ginny's bra, and strutted down the path. When she got to the door, she posed at it, and turned around strutting to where she started off. She did that for hours, so Ginny and Crookshanks decided to walk in, leaving Barbie.

"This is where you belong, Crookshanks. THIS IS YOUR DESTINY."

Crookshanks didn't seem convinced.

"THEY HAVE SKITTLES!"

Crookshanks sprinted into the room, and spontaneously combusted.

"Well that lasted long. NURSE! ANTOTHER COMBUST IN LOBBY!"

A pillow lay in the middle of the circle. Remus wandered into the middle to lead the chant.

Murmurs of voices appeared everywhere saying, "Is that Remus Lupin?" "Oh! I thought he was dead!"

A very angry voice was projected across the valley.

"I AM NOT REMUS LUPIN. I AM LEMUS RUPIN. MY HORMONES ARE HIGH FLYING."

The chanting continued. Everyone knew that Lemus was the best choreographer in the world. Multiple llamas where head spinning, while numerous robotic forks waltzed with 65 year old tuna fish. The night was great, but The Deli Llama had gone missing. While everyone was wondering where he had wandered off to. While most Llamas and forks didn't care, Luna and Voldemort made a search party. They started to plan their trip, as the valley of death was pretty huge. Luna was set to go to the graveyard of dead kittens. Voldemort was supposed to go to Llama headquarters, but ended up following the snake that slithered out of his trouser leg.

Pansy tried to snatch Draco's wig. It didn't come off, but yanked some of his scalp. He had to sit still, as Pansy was stitching up his wig, after mild persuasion.

"SIT STILL DRACO!"

Suddenly, the needle dug into his head, causing him to bleed to his death.

"….. Oops."

"OOOOO! THAT TICKLED!"

While he was following the snake, he was thinking of the world's hardest problems. _**How the hell does a snake pee? **_While pondering over these horrid life matters, the snake came to a stop. The snake didn't matter now, and Voldemort was hungry.

You would think you know what would happen, but Voldemort actually made out with the snake before eating it. He stumbled over a horse.

"Oh, sorry Sarah Jessica Parker."

"Dear, it is very much alright."

After stumbling over the horse, he realised that he was in a farm. Far far away, socialising with the cow with the most FABULOUS body, Voldemort spotted The Deli Llama. They linked arms, as Voldemort was trying to escort him back to the sacred chanting circle. The cow was not pleased at all. Anger was shown across his face.

"GOD OF ANGER! GOD OF LIGHTNING! GOD OF UNICORN HORNS! RAIN YOUR POWERS UPON MY ENEMIES, AND SMITE THEM DOWN TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL!" Cursed the cow.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?

IS THE COW INSENSITIVE?

WHAT HAPPENED TO LUNA?

ALL TO FIND OUT LATER!


End file.
